Bourgeois English interior. English evening. English couple - Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
English watches beat seventeen English beats. Mrs. Smith says it's already nine o'clock. She lists everything they ate for dinner and makes gastronomic plans for the future. She is going to buy Bulgarian yogurt, because it has a good effect on the stomach, kidneys, appendicitis and "apotheosis," said Dr. Mackenzie King, and you can trust him, he never prescribes funds that he has not tried on himself. Before performing the operation on the patient, he first went to the same operation himself, although he was absolutely healthy, and that the patient was dead, he was not to blame: his surgery was successful, but his patient’s operation was unsuccessful.
Mr. Smith, reading an English newspaper, wonders why the rubric of civil status always indicates the age of the deceased and never indicates the age of the newborn; it seems absurd to him. The newspaper said that Bobby Watson died. Mrs. Smith gasps, but her husband reminds her that Bobby died "two years ago," and a year and a half ago they were at his funeral. They discuss all the family members of the deceased - all of them are called Bobby Watson, even his wife, so they were always confused, and only when Bobby Watson died did it finally become clear who is who.
Smith's maid appears - Mary, who had a pleasant evening with the man: they went to the cinema, then drank vodka with milk, and after that they read the newspaper. Mary reports that the Martins, whom the Smiths were waiting for dinner, are standing at the door: they did not dare to enter and waited for Mary to return. Mary asks the Martins to wait until the Smiths, who were no longer hoping to see them, change clothes. Sitting against each other, the Martins smile embarrassedly: it seems that they have already met somewhere, but can not remember where. It turns out that both of them are from Manchester and only two months ago they left there. By a strange and surprising coincidence, they rode in the same train, in the same carriage and in the same compartment. In London, both of them, oddly enough, live on Bromfield Street, at number 19. And one more coincidence: they both live in apartment number 18 and sleep on a bed with green feather bed. Mr. Martin suggests that it was in bed that they met, perhaps even that it was last night. And they both have a charming two-year-old daughter Alice, with one eye white and the other red. Mr. Martin suggests that this is the same girl. Mrs. Martin agrees that this is entirely possible, though surprising. Donald Martin ponders for a long time and concludes that his wife Elizabeth is in front of him. Spouses rejoice that they regained each other.
Mary slowly reveals to the audience one secret: Elizabeth is not Elizabeth at all, and Donald is not Donald, because Elizabeth’s daughter and Donald’s daughter are not the same face: Elizabeth’s daughter has a right eye, red and a white eye, and Donald’s daughter vice versa. So despite the rare coincidences, Donald and Elizabeth, not being the parents of the same child, are not Donald and Elizabeth and are mistaken, imagining themselves to be them. Mary tells viewers that her real name is Sherlock Holmes.
Smith's spouses come in, dressed exactly like before. After nothing meaningful (and completely unrelated to one another) phrases, Mrs. Martin says that she saw an extraordinary picture on the way to the market: near the cafe, one man leaned over and tied the laces. Mr. Martin watched an even more incredible sight: one man was sitting on the subway and reading a newspaper. Mr. Smith suggests that perhaps this is the same person.
The doorbell is ringing. Mrs. Smith opens the door, but there is no one behind her. As soon as she sits down again, another bell rings. Mrs. Smith opens the door again, but again no one is behind her. When they call for the third time, Mrs. Smith does not want to get up, but Mr. Smith is sure that once the doorbell rings, then there is someone behind the door. In order not to quarrel with her husband, Mrs. Smith opens the door and, having not seen anyone, comes to the conclusion that when the doorbell rings, there is never anyone there. Hearing a new call, Mr. Smith opens it himself. Behind the door stands the captain of the fire brigade. The Smiths tell him about the dispute. Mrs. Smith says that someone came out of the door only for the fourth time, and only the first three times are counted. Everyone is trying to find out from the Fireman who called the first three times. The firefighter replies that he stood outside the door for forty-five minutes, did not see anyone and called himself only two times: the first time he hid for a laugh, the second time he entered. Firefighter wants to reconcile the spouses. He believes that both of them are partly right: when the doorbell rings, sometimes there is someone there, and sometimes there is nobody.
Mrs. Smith invites the Fireman to sit with them, but he has come on business and is in a hurry. He asks if they have anything burning; he was ordered to extinguish all the fires in the city. Unfortunately, neither the Smiths nor the Martins burn anything. Firefighter complains that his work is unprofitable: almost no profit. Everyone sighs: the same thing is everywhere: in commerce and in agriculture. True, there is sugar, and that is because it is imported from abroad. It is more difficult with fires - they have a huge duty. Mr. Martin advises the Firefighter to visit the Vekfildsky priest, but the Firefighter explains that he does not have the right to extinguish fires from clergymen.
Seeing that there is no hurry. Firefighter stays with the Smiths and tells jokes from life. He tells a fable about a dog who didn’t swallow her trunk because she thought she was an elephant, the story of a calf that had eaten crushed glass and gave birth to a cow who could not call him “mother” because he was a boy and could not call him "Dad" because he was small, which is why the calf had to marry one person. The rest, too, take turns telling jokes. Firefighter tells a long meaningless story, in the middle of which everyone gets confused and asked to repeat, but Firefighter is afraid that he has no time left. He asks what time it is, but no one knows this: the Smiths have the wrong clock, which, in the spirit of contradiction, always shows the exact opposite time. Mary asks permission to tell a joke too. The Martins and the Smiths are outraged: the maid was not appropriate to interfere in the conversations of the hosts. A fireman, seeing Mary, joyfully rushes to her neck: it turns out they have long known each other. Mary reads poems in honor of the Firefighter, until the Smiths push her out of the room. It’s time for the fireman to leave: in three quarters of an hour and sixteen minutes, a fire should begin at the other end of the city. Before leaving, the Firefighter asks how the bald singer is doing, and having heard from Mrs. Smith that she still has the same hairstyle, she calmly says goodbye to everyone and leaves.
Mrs. Martin says: "I can buy a penknife to my brother, but you cannot buy Ireland to your grandfather." Mr. Smith replies: "We walk, but we are heated by electricity and coal." Mr. Martin continues: “He who took the sword, he scored the ball.” Mrs. Smith teaches: "Life must be seen from the window of the carriage." Gradually, the exchange of remarks becomes more and more nervous: "Cockatoo, cockatoo, cockatoo ..." - "As I am going, I am going, as I am going, I am going ..." - "I am walking on the carpet, on the carpet ..." - “You walk while you lie, while you lie ...” - “Cactus, crocus, cock, cockade, cockerel!” - “The more mushrooms, the fewer stitches!” The cues are getting shorter, everyone yelling into each other's ears. The light goes out. In the dark, one hears faster and faster: "Uh-huh-huh-huh ..." Suddenly everyone is silent, Again the light comes on. Mr. and Mrs. Martin are sitting like the Smiths at the beginning of the play. The play begins again, with Martina repeating the Smiths word for word.
The curtain is falling.
